Why Do We Lie, and What For?

“I don’t understand you – why are you lying to me? I know it’s you, I know you.” The words came in a soft but firm voice, facing a gaze that acted as a wall – he made sure of that.

This ordinary scene between two people, which doesn’t need any context because that’s beside the point, serves as an introduction to today’s topic: lying. Why do we lie? What are the advantages of lying? Is lying always a mistake? As a general rule, we all associate the truth with what’s positive, right and ethical, and lying with something negative and immoral. The right thing is always to tell the truth – isn’t that what we’re all taught from childhood? But telling the truth on each and every occasion may not always be the most human or the healthiest option. Note that I’m not saying the most advantageous or the smartest option (that’s obvious), but the healthiest.

What are the benefits of lying?

• Protecting yourself and/or others.
• Avoiding negative consequences.
• Getting what we want.
• Fitting in socially.

What do we lie for?

We lie to protect ourselves: in my view, self-deception is the biggest lie of all, and the one we practise most. And, of course, we practise it to protect ourselves, and that protection sometimes helps us find the motivation to reach a goal, get out of an emotional rut, or take the risk of leaving our comfort zone… Sometimes it works out and self-deception does its job; other times it doesn’t, and we run headlong into reality and have to readjust our mental frameworks. In any case, self-deception is necessary for survival. However, we need to be careful with the lies we tell ourselves, because sometimes they can become a wall standing in the way of our own happiness and our physical and emotional wellbeing (I wrote an article entirely about this: cognitive dissonance).

We lie to protect others: sometimes we lie out of love, to protect other people. The famous “white lies” are a good example. When your friend excitedly asks whether you like their new flat and the truth is you don’t, lying is an act of affection, love and care towards them. Truth without empathy can border on cruelty. Just as proving who’s right isn’t always the most important thing in an argument, telling your truth (which is really each person’s own truth) doesn’t have to be the priority 100% of the time.

We lie to avoid punishment: children and adults alike, we’re all in the same boat. We lie to avoid unwanted situations and negative consequences – from something as simple as telling your parents you passed a university exam when you actually failed, to lying in court to avoid a conviction. If we think a lie can save us from something we fear or dislike, ethics often take a back seat.

We lie to get what we want: this is another of the most common functions. We often lie or bend the truth to get something we want, whether it’s a job, being right about something, getting into a group, getting the person we like to notice us, or something we’ve got our eye on… Lying brings professional, social, material and psychological benefits… and that’s very tempting.

We lie because of social desirability: we lie to fit in and be part of the group, of society. We filter reality to be accepted, desired, admired… In fact, the relatively new Spanish term sincericidio – “sincericide”, social suicide from being excessively honest with others – is a good example of this. There are things best left unsaid; in the vast majority of situations, it pays to filter. If we want to be really picky, even Instagram filters could fall into this category: after all, they’re non-verbal lies aimed at being more liked or standing out more.

As you can see, lying isn’t always driven by something selfish, harmful or dark – the adjectives that have always been associated with it. Lying serves important functions for human beings, including survival and social integration. Like it or not, if we didn’t have the ability to lie, our lives would generally be a lot more complicated…