Are we designed to be unhappy? It seems so

The other day I happened to see a cartoon on social media that conveyed a very interesting message in a funny way and with very few words: the human inability to be happy. I wanted to develop the idea here because I’m convinced that, as you read it, you’ll recognise yourself more than once.

It seems we are built to be unhappy individuals or, at least, for our states of happiness to come with an expiry date. Why is that? Mainly for three reasons: hedonic adaptation, optimism bias and our tendency towards permanent dissatisfaction. I’m going to explain what they mean, and that’s probably when you’ll see yourself reflected in more than one of them.

Hedonic bias

It is our natural tendency to get used to good things very quickly. This happens a lot with material things. For example, Paula has spent two years of her life saving up to buy a car, “the car of my life”, as she calls it. Two years going without trips, clothes, dinners with friends… to reach her goal. When the moment came she was thrilled; she treated it with great care and proudly showed it to all her friends. A couple of months later she had got used to it. Obviously she was still happy, but it wasn’t the same any more. She had it now; she had adapted to it. “Paula’s car” could be a new pair of trainers, a house, a very expensive dress… it doesn’t matter: we end up getting used to it, and what once filled us with excitement stops doing so over time. The same thing happens with couples: over time, the person who made us lose sleep and appetite (in a good way) stops doing so, because we get used to their presence in our lives and take them for granted. And in many cases we blame the fact that they no longer make us feel that way on the other person, on a relationship problem or on “it’s just not the same any more”, when that isn’t the problem: the problem lies in the inherent human tendency to get used to good things quickly.

To be fair, I have to tell you that this bias cuts both ways: it also helps us survive negative experiences and get on with our lives, which, although it’s not today’s topic, is a vitally important point in its favour. What’s more, it seems that positive life experiences don’t fall prey to the hedonic bias so easily: our brain doesn’t get used to them so quickly. Not so bad after all!

Optimism bias

It is our tendency to remember the past in an idealised way while looking at the future with optimistic expectations. At first this doesn’t sound bad; you may be thinking “better that than the opposite”, and I agree. In that sense it’s an advantage. The problem, however, is that with this view of the past and the future, the present is at a disadvantage, because it’s the reality you are living, and it can hardly compete with an idealised past and a hopeful future. This stops us from fully giving ourselves to the “here and now” and makes us miss the past more than we should and long for the future. Let me give you the example of a couple I saw in therapy: Pau and María are overwhelmed by being first-time parents; they feel everything has become complicated and they can’t keep up with anything. They adore Marta, their little girl, and would give their lives for her, but they both long for the days when they had free time to do whatever they pleased, when they could devote time to themselves, to their friends, to each other, to sex… All that is behind them now, and they can’t wait for the little one to start nursery. Pau and María don’t realise they are not living the present moment with their daughter, and that in the future they will probably miss many of today’s experiences, a moment that will never come back, at least not with Marta.

Who hasn’t heard things like…? “I wish I could go back to being a child, when all I had to worry about was playing”, “I miss my school days”, “I wish I could go back to my university years”, “When I’m 18 I’ll do whatever I want”, “When I retire…” But however good the past was, it was never ideal, and no one can guarantee us a better future. The truth is we’re not even guaranteed tomorrow, so the present is the most valuable thing we have.

Permanent dissatisfaction

It seems that we are designed to feel constantly dissatisfied, because that’s the mechanism our brain uses to keep us motivated. If you feel you have everything on every level, you can lose your way. You may think this isn’t true, that someone who has absolutely everything personally and professionally must be overflowing with happiness, but that’s not usually the case. When I talk about “having it all”, I mean reaching the point where you have no hopes or goals left to fulfil; that’s when human beings run the risk of falling apart. That’s why our brain seems designed for constant dissatisfaction: to make sure we always have goals, challenges and/or dreams to reach for.

I see this quite a lot in my practice: people who, at different moments in their lives, get stuck and can’t find goals in life, have nothing to look forward to, and this becomes a problem that can lead to low mood, to depression in the more serious cases, or to seeking new stimulation through unhealthy routes.

The good news is that, just like the two previous points, this constant dissatisfaction has its positive side: it motivates us to be better, to grow as people and as professionals, to live more experiences, to learn more… So it’s not so bad after all.

In short

It all comes down to three conclusions we should engrave in our minds:

• Less materialism and more experiences.
• Train ourselves to live in the here and now.
• Always have small or big goals in mind that excite us and give us a little more life.
• And the queen bee: happiness isn’t handed to you; you have to work for it.