How a Broken Heart Heals

The world is full of broken hearts. We all know that. Many are shattered, others half put back together, and the vast majority of the hearts in this world carry several scars, some bigger than others. Wounds that have healed thanks to lots of tears, effort, time, people who helped us heal them and others we used to get there… Scarred hearts aren’t just proof of our failed experiences; they also shape us as people, as partners and as lovers. It’s true that, more often than not, every new scar means a little less faith, a bit more mistrust, quite a lot more fear and a slightly higher wall. But it’s also true that each of those scars makes us a little stronger, a little wiser about ourselves and about human nature. They help us understand our desires and our needs (which we often want the other person to fill), they help us discover things about ourselves we didn’t know, and they teach us more clearly what we want and… what we don’t want. While the wound heals, we reflect on what went wrong, which makes us less likely to repeat the same mistake in the future (although, admittedly, human beings usually have to trip over the same stone a few times first…).

A broken heart is tremendously painful, but we learn from it, and depending on the experience and the size of the scar, the lesson can be worth three advanced courses. These issues come up in therapy far more often than most people think. Sometimes people come because they’re finding it too hard to get over a break-up and have got stuck in it. Other times they come to find out how to end a relationship, because that’s what they want but they don’t feel able to do it. A badly handled break-up can lead to many blocks that drag on and get complicated, just as happens with complicated grief. Although, fortunately, in this case the other person is still alive; they’re just no longer in our life.

I’m not going to stop and explain what to do after a break-up, because we all know the general advice. I want to focus on something more specific: the factors that block recovery. Sometimes we behave clumsily after a break-up, making it much harder and hurting both ourselves and the other person. It’s like stitching up a wound while holding a little pair of scissors: one stitch in, one stitch out. And that’s something we should try to avoid as far as possible.

What to avoid or watch out for during a break-up

Here are some of them, and all of them have to do with you, not with the other person, because in the end that’s what is under my control and my responsibility: my part.

• Avoid contact. Staying in touch after a break-up is usually a mistake that makes the process harder. It’s highly advisable to cut contact for a while. How long? As long as each couple needs until they can meet up, see each other or talk as friends, if that’s what they want. Being someone’s partner and expecting to be friends in the short term is very unrealistic. It will always depend on the couple and the circumstances of the break-up, but as a general rule quite a long time has to pass before a friendship can be built, if that’s what both people want. And when we talk about “contact”, that includes every kind of social media.

• Be careful not to disrespect your own process by trying to speed it up because other people can, so you feel you should be able to as well. Jumping straight into something new works for some people and not for others, and both are fine. If you need more time than others, try to respect that and don’t force yourself into situations that will very likely make your mood worse and confuse you even more. Many people push themselves after a break-up into situations they aren’t ready for, and that leads to much more intense negative feelings because of inappropriate, unnecessary comparisons, which in turn lead to even more unnecessary and very painful ways of thinking, associations and beliefs.

• Be careful not to blame the other person for everything. Blaming them and casting myself as the victim is another common mistake. Except in extreme situations, it’s rare for one person to be 100% responsible for a break-up. For healing, it’s important to stop and reflect on the part you played. It isn’t about finding someone to blame, but about avoiding self-deception, victimhood and unnecessary suffering that can lead to actions that get in the way of recovery. For example, an inner monologue in which I’m the victim can fuel a lot of anger and frustration, which can lead to moments where I lose control and call or text my ex saying things in a way I’ll later regret, which makes me feel worse and drags my mood and self-esteem even lower.

• Be careful not to blame yourself for everything. This is the opposite extreme. Some people, usually the one who didn’t make the decision, start searching with a magnifying glass for any possible reason why the other person ended things. This involves a high level of self-criticism that is rarely justified and leads to low self-esteem and a lot of insecurity. Reflecting on what I could have done better is one thing; beating myself up over every move I made while we were together is something very different. The first is introspection, healthy self-criticism that will help me in future relationships; the second is destructive self-criticism that will only make me distrust myself and my worth.

• Keep a close eye on your inner narrative. During recovery we go through very different emotions: from deep sadness to anger, exasperation, indifference, frustration, helplessness… And how we manage all of them will depend largely on working on the thoughts that trigger them. As I often tell my clients: you have to learn to filter out the mental rubbish. Notice which thoughts I focus on, which memories I wallow in, what kind of predictions I make, how I talk to myself… All of that and much more is part of our inner narrative.

• Avoid shutting yourself away. That doesn’t mean you have to go out all the time and keep busy 24/7. The people around you will usually encourage you to go out, meet people, keep busy and active… And yes, that’s necessary to a degree, because isolation doesn’t help suffering; quite the opposite. But while extreme isolation should be avoided, you also need to find a balance between staying open to the world and respecting your own moments of solitude and reflection, which are just as necessary for recovery. Each person has to work out what suits them best, what balance helps improve their inner voice and their mood.

• Watch out for I can do it on my own. Ask for help if you need it. Everyone goes through break-ups without needing a psychologist, that’s nonsense. In this world you have to learn to think for yourself, and that means having your own judgement. Not all break-ups are the same, and the circumstances, as well as the personalities of the two people involved, will shape how hard the process is. Not all scars are the same; some need more stitches than others. And even if the scar isn’t especially large, sometimes you simply don’t know how to stitch it up on your own. And that’s fine: it’s smart to recognise when we need help. And even smarter to know how to ask for it.

Take your time and respect your own pace. Try to be honest with yourself when you look at what happened and even at what is happening now, and own the actions and decisions you took which, in part, have brought you to where you are right now. Look after yourself on every level and let others look after you. Learn from the situation. Heal properly, so that whoever comes into your life (or comes back into it) is a choice and not a need.