How do I help a child through grief?

I’ve talked to you about grief before, but never about grief in children. How to handle the situation is a common question for adults close to children who have just lost a loved one: should I tell them straight away or wait? Should I play it down? Should I distract them so they don’t think about it? Is the word “death” allowed, or is it better to use vaguer terms (they’ve gone to heaven, they’ve gone away…)? Can I let myself be sad in front of the child?… These are some of the most frequent questions. Under normal circumstances, children don’t necessarily face extra complications when going through grief. Depending on their age, their understanding of death is more or less realistic: children usually only grasp the three basic components of death somewhere between the ages of 5 and 7:

1. Irreversibility.
2. The complete absence of vital functions.
3. Universality.

Before then, children don’t usually cry; instead they repeatedly ask about the person who has died (where they are and when they’ll be back), because rather than sadness, the feelings that stand out are bewilderment and confusion. There are some general guidelines that can help when telling a child about a death and dealing with it together:

1. Explain what has happened honestly, gently and in few words. Don’t make the mistake of overprotecting the child, which means not lying with things like “they’ve gone on a trip” or “they’ll be back in a while”, because false explanations like these can complicate grief. Honesty together with gentleness, always taking the child’s age into account, since a 3-year-old doesn’t understand death the way a 9-year-old might.
2. Don’t forbid the child from going to the funeral or taking part in related rituals, as this will help them understand and accept the situation better. Nor should they be forced if they don’t want to take part. In other words, we need to give them the chance to choose how far they want to be involved in the process and in what way.
3. Let the child express their emotions freely, whether by crying, getting angry or talking (how they express it will depend a lot on their age). Among adults and with the child, we should try to talk about the person who has died as naturally as possible, to help the child feel free to talk about them too, so the subject doesn’t become taboo.
4. Watch out for any guilt the child may feel. Sometimes, in a moment of anger in the past, a child may have thought or said something related to this person dying and then feel guilty after the death. We need to teach them, and keep reminding them, to tell reality apart from wishes and to have a sound sense of what thoughts can and can’t do, so that grief follows a normal rather than a complicated course.
5. Affection from adults is essential, so hugs, kisses, cuddles or any sign of love are not just welcome but necessary. Nor should we hide our pain from them: if an adult feels sad or wants to cry, they can do so in front of the child.
6. Be careful not to burden the child with responsibilities that aren’t theirs. They already have their own role at home, and we shouldn’t confuse them by having them fill a place in the household that isn’t theirs.

In any case, if months go by (not before: be careful not to turn normal processes into disorders) and certain dysfunctional behaviours persist or get worse (missing school, tantrums that continue and escalate over time, excessive crying, physical symptoms with no medical explanation…), it would be advisable to see a professional who can assess the child and, if the situation calls for it, find out what is getting in the way of the process so it can be resolved in the most appropriate way.