When Anna met Ben: a neurotypical woman falls for a man with Asperger's

Note: since the DSM-5, Asperger’s syndrome has been included within autism spectrum disorder (ASD). I keep the term in this article because it’s the one many people still use.

When Anna met Ben (let’s call them that), what fascinated her most was that he was different from everyone else. Rather unusual. Traits that would have put many other women off were like a magnet for Anna. It was very clear that Ben had an IQ well above average, which showed itself plainly in all sorts of ways, especially in his outstanding talent for maths. Anna was struck by the way he spoke: that very correct, formal use of language, such a rich vocabulary, that care with meaning (so rare these days…). She was also drawn to his sense of social justice, which came through clearly in his very ambitious professional goals. He had travelled and lived in different parts of the world for his various projects. Ben gave himself body and soul to his work (in fact that’s a euphemism, because it was a more than obvious addiction to work).

Ben was very independent. And a loner. He told Anna from the start that he felt extremely uncomfortable in social interactions, that they were a real challenge for him and that he only put himself through them when he had no choice, mostly for work.

Ben’s intelligence was logical and rational, not emotional. He also admitted to Anna from day one that his emotional intelligence was extremely low, and that this was precisely one of the many things that attracted him to her: she was the opposite in that area. Anna didn’t quite understand this, because Ben did seem able to express his own emotions and read other people’s; he got jokes, sarcasm, metaphors… although it’s true that, many other times, Ben fell back on overly blunt, rational responses when the situation obviously called for more empathy and emotion. He was also often very literal, because he didn’t pick up on colloquial replies, set phrases… These were small things that caught Anna’s attention but didn’t bother her; if anything, they made her curious in a positive way and she found them funny. Something very striking that Anna linked to emotional intelligence was that Ben seemed very self-focused and, apparently, showed no interest in other people’s lives, including hers. In short, a very low level of empathy. Anna might have labelled him selfish, but the thing is she couldn’t, because that wasn’t her impression. She felt lost; some things jarred, things she didn’t understand, as if pieces were missing…

Ben always told the truth; he was very direct and had no filter, which made him honest and reliable. He had a strong moral sense. And there was something else, very curious: Ben seemed to be unusually hypersensitive to smells and touch.

Ben told Anna he had always struggled to form friendships and romantic relationships. The reasons are obvious: however physically attractive you are and however high your IQ, emotional intelligence is essential in this world, and if you significantly lack it, other people will probably react with rejection. They won’t understand that your way of experiencing the world is different: not better or worse, just different. We humans find it hard to accept anything that represents difference, especially if we find it hard to understand.

When Anna sat down across from me to fill me in and asked what I thought (while I watched the excitement and enthusiasm in her eyes and in every word), I told her quite honestly that it all sounded great, but I also mentioned that the traits she was describing reminded me of a particular diagnostic picture. In my view, Ben had many traits of Asperger’s syndrome and seemed to belong to the group of people with Asperger’s who are also intellectually gifted (not all are). She was taken aback and said that couldn’t be, because he often did pick up on her emotions and knew how to express his own. So I explained that there are degrees, and that people with Asperger’s, with work and a lot of effort, can learn to show empathy. With his abilities and what seemed to be a very strong work ethic, Ben had probably learned to handle the emotional world better, although it was still a long way from that of any neurotypical person (someone with no autistic-spectrum traits).

Anna left our coffee deep in thought and wrote to me two days later saying she had talked to Ben and that, indeed, that was his diagnosis. When Anna asked him why he hadn’t told her before, he answered, in true Asperger’s fashion: “You hadn’t asked me until now.”

I explained to Anna that people are born with Asperger’s syndrome, that it is a lifelong condition and not an illness. Many people with Asperger’s also have some very important qualities: they lie very little (mind you, they’re perfectly capable of it, they just don’t tend to), they are often very loyal and decent, and they have a strong sense of morals and ethics. They tend to be very organised and methodical. When something captures their interest, they can become true geniuses in that field, as is the case with Ben. However, they tend to have significant social difficulties that need working on so they can enjoy a better quality of life and feel part of society. They have other disadvantages that I’ll talk about in another article, but the social side, because identifying and handling emotions is often so hard for them, is the main one. Let’s be clear: many people with Asperger’s do want to have friends and connect with others, but they don’t know how, and they end up isolating themselves as a result of the social rejection that, in many cases, follows them all their lives.

The diagnosis really matters (which is why I raised it with Anna), because they need to be treated differently in many areas, with more patience, tact and tolerance, so that we can help them and give them the chance to learn. Many situations will frustrate the people who live close to someone with Asperger’s; if you know what’s going on and how they work, understanding many of these situations can help reduce the frustration felt by partners, friends and family. The better informed the people around them are, the better they’ll know how to handle things, and the better the chances of success in any kind of relationship they build.

Needless to say, Anna is now well on her way to becoming an expert on the subject…