Myths about emotions

In this article I’m going to talk about some of the irrational beliefs we often come across when it comes to emotions. The society we live in promotes positive emotions and punishes negative ones, so it’s understandable that many of us still feed these myths today. This way of seeing our emotional world often makes us feel bad when negative emotions come up, or when we don’t master our emotions the way we think we should. So what are these mistaken ideas? Here are a few.

There are appropriate and inappropriate feelings for every situation. This isn’t true. There are no right or wrong emotions; there’s simply how we feel. The goal is to accept our emotions, whatever they are, without judging them. If we reject them because we believe “this isn’t what I should be feeling”, we’ll experience them more intensely, because we’ll punish ourselves for what we feel. That’s a mistake, and it hurts us even more. Emotions are what they are, full stop. We all have the right to feel one way or another in different situations; acting on those emotions is another matter. In other words, I have the right to feel rage, anger, shame, envy, fear… but letting those emotions direct my actions is something else. Here it’s important to reason things through and consider the consequences of acting on the emotions of the moment.

I shouldn’t feel negative emotions because they’re harmful. Another myth. We’ve talked about this in another article: the emotions we consider “negative” also have a purpose, and without them we’d be in trouble. For example: anger, handled well, can help us resolve conflicts with others and so improve the quality of our relationships; it can also help us achieve goals or show others that we won’t be pushed around (especially useful for people with a submissive nature who are working on their assertiveness)…; when fear or anxiety is justified by a real threat, it can save our lives; sadness helps us stop and reflect on what isn’t working in our lives…

Some emotions come out of nowhere. This isn’t true either. Every emotion arises from the interpretation of a situation, that is, from a thought. That thought may be more or less automatic, which is why it can sometimes be hard to identify, but there’s always one or more thoughts behind an emotion.

I have to hide and ignore the emotions I don’t like. This is a big mistake, because it can cause a lot of problems for the person who does it. Sometimes we hide the emotions we see as negative for fear of being judged; other times we do it because we think it protects us; and other times we simply ignore them because we believe “they’ll go away”. That last one may work with very mild negative emotions, but not with more intense ones. If I work on where they come from and why, over time I’ll learn to manage my emotions better, and that will help me a great deal in dealing with everyday life.

If I feel something very intensely, it means I’ve lost control. Not true. This is similar to the first point: it’s fine to feel things intensely; the more I try to block the emotion, the bigger the rebound effect will be. You have every right to feel intensely, but ask yourself whether it’s appropriate to act on that emotion and on the intensity of the moment.

I can’t have contradictory emotions about the same situation. Of course you can! Juan is pleased that his friend and colleague has been promoted, but at the same time he feels jealous because he’s been left in the same position. It’s possible and, in fact, it happens all the time. And there’s nothing wrong with that: we’re very complex beings, and our emotional world is part of that complexity. If I don’t accept that I can have both contradictory emotions, I’ll be in conflict with myself, because refusing to see it won’t stop me feeling the way I feel. If I recognise and understand that I can, and have every right to, feel both emotions without that making me a bad friend (as in Juan’s case), I’ll have a much better chance of feeling better and getting to know myself better.